And what to do instead!
Since launching my online course ‘Challenging our Negative Thoughts - A Mindful Approach’ I’ve had some very interesting chats with people.
Two things have consistently come up.
Firstly, that EVERYONE, at some point in their life will struggle with their own mind. And at that point, you will think you are the only one and why can’t you just be happy like everyone else! Remember everyone struggles, and bookmark this email so when you are struggling again you can re-read this!
Secondly, the common ways that we try and manage our mind and the advice we get given is often so wildly unhelpful! I don’t mean to throw any shade here…this is advice that you have probably been given before, by well meaning people. Or maybe you have even given this advice. And owning up - I’ve definitely given this unhelpful advice before!
When we are struggling with our own mind, when we are in the grips of anxiety or overthinking or when we just can’t get our mind to be quiet, we very naturally call out to others for help. But the advice we get, doesn’t always help us.
I’m going to share with you three of the most common things that people will tell you, or maybe even you have said, that are unhelpful! I’ll explain why and then give suggestions of what might be better to say.
So lets look at the first one…
‘You don’t need to worry about that. Just don’t even think about it.’
Oh if you could only see me now rolling my eyes haha!
The ‘just don’t think about it’ is the thought equivalent of ‘don’t look now but someone behind you is doing something weird’ 🤣
Of course you’ll look! And of course you’ll still be thinking about the thing you are worrying about. You can’t help it - it’s so incredibly normal and actually helpful that our brain worries. It’s just trying to keep us safe ❤️
But just like an overprotective parent, sometimes the mind needs to calm down a little bit! Yes life is scary but it’s also amazing. If we spend all our time worrying, we don’t allow enough time for the good stuff too.
So what can we do instead?
Firstly if someone is telling you about something they are worrying about, even if it is the most irrational thing in the world, respect their worry. Let them talk about it, let them voice it. You can challenge them but do so with compassion. Maybe asking them ‘if the tables were turned, what would you say to me in this situation?’
And if you are worrying, talk to someone or write it down. Verbalising our thoughts helps us to process them. We then often realise ourselves that the thought/worry is irrational.
You are not your thoughts
Ok this is probably a very unpopular opinion but I find the ‘you are not your thoughts’ really unhelpful.
Why? Well because it’s not true!
We are not, and can not, be positive and happy all the time. Of course we are going to be angry, scared, petty, anxious, obsessive some of the time. We are complex humans, with complex emotions. We can’t think nice things all the time.
When we say you are not your thoughts it’s denying part of who we are. Bringing some acceptance to all areas of our existence feels more real and honest.
So what can we say instead when we are feeling overwhelmed and stuck in our thinking brain?
What I find more helpful is ‘you don’t have to BELIEVE all your thoughts’. Just because you think something, doesn’t make it true. This is something that you can say to yourself or share with others too.
Clear your mind of thoughts, let your mind be still
This is definitely one of my pet peeves as a mindfulness teacher! The moment my mind feels as though it HAS to be still, is the moment that my mind bounces like a ping pong ball in my head!
As much as we’d love to get rid of those negative and ruminating thoughts, it doesn’t really work does it.
I always think of negative thoughts are a bit like a toddler wanting your attention. The more you ignore them the LOUDER they get 😂
What can we do then?
Mindfulness practices teach us to NOTICE our thoughts with compassion and acceptance. Rather then trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible, we ‘practice’ at sitting with them. Allowing them to be and then allowing them to move on if you don’t want to pay them any attention.
Notice how I said ‘practice’!! This takes some time and it isn’t always easy. But it DOES work 💕
And finally, it is the most normal thing in the world to feel anxious, to worry, to ruminate and to overthink. But if it starts impacting in your every day life then maybe it’s time to reach out for some help. Speak to your family, your friends. Speak to your GP. Speak to a counsellor or therapist. Have a session with a mindfulness teacher. But don’t just struggle along by yourself. You really don’t have to be a slave to your mind. Change IS possible.
Want to know more? Have a look at my online self paced course all about using a mindfulness approach to managing negative thinking. You can check it out here.
And if you’d like to learn more about mindfulness with me, or come for a counselling session then click here.
And if you want to explore your thoughts through a mindful approach, why not try this meditation that I’ve recorded. It’s a 7 minute practice that takes a compassionate and accepting approach to whatever is in the mind.
I hope you find this practice useful and if I can support you further then I hope my online course or one of wellbeing offerings is beneficial for you.
I look forward to connecting with you soon.
Much love,
Rebecca x
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